"Growing up I was a bit of a tom boy as the saying once was."

 

Where to begin! Im a Northern gal! When I was growing up, I  loved wearing sports wear which was basically t-shirts and tracksuits then. I would never want to put on dresses. My mam said she could never get me in them. I was a bit of a tomboy as the saying once was. I absolutely loved my primary school years, I was on the netball and gymnastics team, and I thrived when it was school sports days. I remember being such a fast sprinter. I played netball matches and competed in gymnastics competitions, I was sporty, and sporty spice was also my favourite spice girl haha! I loved the way sports made me feel. At the same time, I was also very shy and anxious outside of sports. For example, in my classes, when the teacher would ask me to stand up and read a paragraph from my book in English, I would literally die inside and struggle to do it. I hated speaking in front of others. That really effected my self esteem and my confidence for a long time!

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"I lost my identity in secondary school."

​It was when I went on to secondary school that I started to completely change myself for the approval of others. It was absolutely terrifying. I felt this enormous pressure to fit in and I somehow always felt like I wasn't good enough. Over time, I then pretended to be someone that I wasn't. I started wearing makeup, I dyed my hair, I acted how others were acting and put on a fake front. I ended up completely losing myself and my identity.  Some may say that's  all apart of growing up but it effected my mental health along the way. I lost all my confidence in the process. I stopped playing the sports I once loved, and I ended up leading myself down the wrong paths with the wrong people just trying to fit in. I didn't do well academically. I just felt so much pressure, I struggled, and I found myself in the 'bottom class' sets which made me feel worse about myself. It was awful. 

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ahhhh and then I turned 16! When I had finished school I started working in a bar to earn some money because I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my life. I felt so confused, and everyone else seemed to know exactly what they were going to do. I had no confidence for college. I then got a second job in a call centre taking catalogue orders. I worked from the age of 16 and never stopped. 

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"My life turned upside down..."

​It wasn't until I suffered a huge loss, that my world completely turned upside down. I suddenly lost my farther. I had never experienced pain like it, and the following months felt like I was living in a nightmare. 

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As well as not knowing who I really was, I had also then lost a huge part of my life. The man who I adored and felt safe with. I didn't know how to grieve and I had no coping mechanisms. I made so many mistakes and I done a lot of things that I regret. Working in a bar while suffering with grief wasn't a good combination, I went on a self-destruct mode and my life started to spiral out of control. I abused alcohol and drugs to cover my pain. I was surrounded by it and I couldn't see any other life for myself. I was living in a darkness. 

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"A new chapter at sea! I wasn't going back!''

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One day, I woke up and I was feeling beyond fed up with living my life the way that I was. I used to cry most days thinking “how is this my life” I was just so miserable and keeping it all bottled up inside. All I saw was negative things around me and I just wanted to escape from it all. That day, there was something inside of me screaming, this cant be it! It just cant be! So, I started randomly browsing online for jobs anywhere away from home, and I ended up finding and applying to work on a cruise ship!

 

I ended up getting an interview, I got told I had the job the same day, and before I knew it, a few months later I was heading down to London on a train with a suitcase and a backpack! I was so scared but so excited at the same time. I could not believe what I had done because it just all happened so fast. Was this really happening?! I was heading to the training school in London and they told me to pack clothes for all seasons and weather conditions  as I could be going anywhere in the world and to pack enough for nine months! That was the contract length and as soon as I was trained up and ready, I would be going straight to a ship from the training school. I wasn't going back home.

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The accommodation provided was the YMCA in Watford, London, and it was absolutely terrifying! I still remember to this day walking up to the YMCA doors with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes thinking what on earth have I done! The reason behind putting you up in the YMCA is to mentally prepare you for cruise ship living. People from all over coming and going, shared rooms, bunk beds and small living spaces. I did get used to it. The training school was tough but that is a whole other story to tell. I was in the training school for almost four weeks and then my name got called,  “Kirsty, you're ready,  your flights are booked tomorrow.” And, that was it, I was starting my new journey at sea!

 

"I had somehow changed my life."

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While I was working overseas on cruise ships, I travelled the world, I saw the most amazing places and made the most amazing memories. I worked with people from all over the world.  It was extremely hard work but It opened my eyes to a whole new world. A world of possibility and opportunity; however, I was also in search of happiness. I carried the weight of the world on my shoulders, mentally struggling and I didn't know why at the time, I thought that was just the way I was, I didn't understand why and just got on with it. I just never felt happy. I still remember the random panic attacks that I used to have and they are up there with the worst things I have experienced. I had no idea what they were at the time and I just kept it all to myself. I worked away for  months at a time  living on a ship, life was completely different. Every time I completed a contract I returned home to rest. When I got home, I still felt like I didn't belong, I hated home, so I kept renewing my contracts and going back to work at sea and travelling in-between. One of the reasons I went to work on cruise ships was because, I wanted to escape from everything that was at home, so, every time I was back, the feelings were still there that I had before I left. I didn’t enjoy being home, and with a brand-new view of the world, my mindset was completely different to what it once was. I felt newly independent, a little bit braver and bolder, but alone.

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After three years of ship life, travelling, and sole searching, and not finding whatever it was that I was looking for, I decided the only option remaining was to return home for good. Cruise ship work was extremely exhausting and it was time to close that chapter.

 

When I returned home, I felt totally lost and I didn't know my place. I was still deeply unhappy. I never spoke of or told anyone about my inner struggles for all these years. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, so, I thought people would call me crazy if I told them how I really felt. I was constantly sad with feelings of worthlessness.  Eventually after a few months home, I hit my rock bottom and it was the worst place in the world to be in. I would wake up every single day and cry as soon as I opened my eyes, not knowing why and keeping it all to myself. I was stuck in darkness with the feeling of complete sadness and having thoughts of ''what is the point of me or living''.  On the day of my breakdown, I was on my bedroom floor sobbing, I didn't want to go on anymore,  and something happened inside of me, I just picked up the phone and made a call to the local doctors. I wanted to tell someone how I felt. There had been a cancelation and they told me I could go within the hour which never happens! Walking up to the doctors, I was terrified because I had no idea what I was going to say, I just knew i needed some help and if I didn't get it who knows where my emotions would have led me. As soon as I got in the room the doctor asked me what I was there for and I burst out crying. It turned out that this doctor’s background was actually in mental health and she was helping out in that surgery for a short while. She understood everything I had told her and was my saviour. I believe that the cancelation that day and me getting that appointment with that certain doctor was truly somehow just meant to be. After years of struggle and battling with myself, I found out about mental health disorders.

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"Hitting my rock bottom was the best thing that happened to me!"

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As it turns out, hitting my rock bottom was actually the best thing that could have happened, crazy right?! because it allowed me to see the light! I stripped myself back, and knew I needed to build myself back up in a completely different way. To find myself again.

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After being diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and I got the help that I needed, it was like a ton of weight that I had been carrying for so many years had finally been lifted off me. I was given medication which I was really worried about taking and it took me a while to pluck up the courage to take it, but I did. I was in a recovery period for 4 to 6 weeks and then the fog was starting to shift and I could see a new life.

 

I found my strength both physically and mentally through the power of exercise. I always enjoyed going to the gym but exercise really became my therapy even more. I found a love of lifting weights. It made me feel so strong, empowered and capable, it replaced my negative thoughts with positive ones, and it made me feel in control of my life. I become a better version of myself through doing a lot of internal work. I learned self-care, how to change my thought process,  how to create new habits, and I was slowly building real confidence back up. I was learning to love myself again. I was finding me again, the me in primary school that loved sports! The girl that was happy. I had found her again.

 

I completely changed my life, and I just wished I had done it all sooner to take back the years I felt I had lost in unhappiness but, that was my journey and is now my story to tell. I had been in search for something that didn't exist and only I could heal on the inside. Happiness comes from within. 

 

August 2016 was the month that I returned home from the cruise ships.

December 2016 was the month that I had a mental breakdown and let it all out.

 

By January 2017 I was self-employed, working in a gym as a personal trainer, helping other people learn how to exercise with confidence and teaching how exercise can impact mental health and life. I started teaching empowering group exercise classes. I felt like this was my calling and that I should have been doing this all along.

I felt like the girl that I was always meant to be from primary school, the girl who loved sports, but had been lost for so long. I had a new lease of life and I never looked back. My confidence in myself only grew stronger, and I knew that I could do anything that I set my mind too after overcoming so much. After everything that I had experienced in my life I had a fire burning inside to live life to the fullest. I realised life is so short and it should be lived without regrets. From then on i knew exactly what I wanted from life and i worked hard to get the life i deserved. 

Rock bottom can give you a transformation. It enables you to see a new light, and it shows you what needs to change. It takes a lot of internal work on yourself, but with the right help and guidance it can be done.

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The best thing I ever did was become my authentic true self again.

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“Being our authentic selves means we are owning our reality, facing our fears, and accepting and loving our imperfections without excuses.  We choose to pursue our truth and wholeness to find happiness instead of just seeking immediate gratification and acceptance.”

 

I used everything that I overcome, my traumas, my mistakes, my mental illness, and my experiences, turning them into my strengths to drive me forward with the help of the power of exercise.

I became a Health and Fitness Coach to help other people who may be struggling with something in their life, with the power of exercise, internal work and the support they need to move forward.